You are not a Princess

You are not a Princess, a child waiting helplessly for the world to give her things. 

You are the captain of your ship, the Happiness. Whether she sinks or sails is entirely dependent upon what you do or don't do. Sunken ships are angry and bitter. Not all ships are meant to sail far from port, yet ships that never sail from port get barnacles. Some ships are okay with this. 

You should learn how to change a tire, how to change your hair color, and how to change a man (give him bullet points, reward him when he does, ignore him when he doesn't). But you cannot squeeze blood out of a turnip. 

No one is obligated to rescue you, be able to rescue yourself. 

Do not expect him to call. You will lower your frustration level if you never expect a man to do anything. 

No chap is a mind reader; if you want it, ask for it. 

Do not assume. Assuming you have a life jacket on when you really don't will never help you. 

When addressing a man's penis, if you want it to get huge, tell it it's huge.

Whatever you feel is you, not anyone else. 

No one is responsible for your feelings and reactions except you. Do not blame others for how you feel. This is what separates Princesses from Queens. 

Stop saying you want nice guys. Toss an asshole out the window and women will trample their own therapists to get him. 

Do not take things personally. What other people say or do is a reflection upon them, not you. The only person you should take personally is yourself. 

You're not looking for a man. You are looking for pleasure. Get this fact straight and you will never live by anyone's whims or have to get over "him" again. 

When feeling down, you have options - go shopping, treat yourself to a fancy date.

Looking fabulous is 20% clothing and makeup and 80% how you feel. 

The world doesn't give a shit whether you're unhappy or not. Get happy. 

If you find yourself disappointed time and again, realign your expectations. Or you can do the Steven King Carrie thing. That would be cool. 

You are obligated to put your best foot forward and your best face forward. Life will treat you better that way. Bitching about it gains you nothing except the sunken ship issue. 

Hold out bait to entice the enemy.

Always do your best. 

In the movies, the Princesses always gets the Prince. But there is no guarantee that the Prince isn't an asshole who may ruin her life. 

If you want to meet a guy, head to the Silicon Valley Skeet club. Stay a little, then leave. It's all about exits and entrances. 

Sex is a pleasure you give yourself, as well as another person. Using it as payment robs only you.

Wear red. 

The most important thing you will ever learn is the keen understanding that others cannot love you the way you want to be loved; they can only love you in the ways they know how. And some people know very little.